I repeated what he said “I didn’t have another choice” I nodded “Yeah true Saad. You didn’t have another choice. Why would you stay with me, the girl you love when you can be with someone you don’t love. Yeah, that’s logical.” my hands were shaking. I couldn’t look at him, because I knew I would start to cry again. I always cried. There wasn’t a day where I didn’t cry, the night he left me until now. Love is horrible. No, seriously, it is! It only gives you pain. I’ve suffered so much because of it and I still do.
“Kekem, listen to me…” he wanted to continue talking but I interrupted him “Listen to what? All you can say is listen! Listen to me, I’m so sorry”
“Kekem I know, but today I came to talk. I want to tell you what happened and why I’ve left you”
When he said this I just closed my eyes and inhaled.
“I know you suffered a lot because of me”
“You don’t say” I gave him a doleful look.
“No Kekem. Don’t interrupt me! Listen!” he raised his voice and I knew if I say something stupid he would get mad. More than just mad! Whenever we had an argument he took everything so serious and forgot that I’m too sensitive. He always raised his voice and gave me a look which said “I’ll kill you if you don’t shut up”. I often cried, but I never hated him for it.
But the good thing about it was that when he finished screaming, he always hugged me for more than an hour. We often sat somewhere and he just hugged me until I fall asleep in his arms. He knew he broke my heart and he also knew I would forgive him if he hugs me. And it always worked.
“You know I still love you and you know I will always love you..“he paused for a moment and looked at me “Kekem, I’ve left you that night for another girl and I know you hate me for this. I know you will never forgive me, but I didn’t have another choice”.
I took a deep breath and said “Oh really ? You didn’t have another choice? Are you kidding me Saad? You have left me even though we were engaged! How can you do this to the person you love? How can you do this Saad? How?” I got a twinge in my chest.
He stood up and came to hug me, but I rejected it. I started to cry and said “Why didn’t you just stop caring about what other people think about our relationship! Your parents didn’t want me and that was a reason for you to leave me. I’m sorry, but I don’t have any understanding for this ! If you love a person and if you want to be with this person, you shouldn’t listen to others. Not even to your parents. Love is love. You can’t choose who you will fall in love with” I wasn’t crying anymore.
Saad looked at me with pain and agreed “No matter what I say you’re right, but I did the mistake and listened to them. I got engaged with a girl I didn’t love and left you. Even if you forgive me I won’t forgive myself for that what I have done to us”.
Neither one of us said a word for 3 minutes. I just went to my bedroom and lied down on my bed. Saad followed me and lied next to me. We didn’t talk and we didn’t look at each other. After a while I fell asleep and had a weird dream: I was standing in front of a big golden mirror in a white room with big windows. My right arm was bleeding and I was holding a knife in my left hand. It was weird, because I could feel the pain when I woke up. I woke up and didn’t see Saad laying next to me. So I got up and went to the living room where I heard sounds. It was Saad with my both kids, Dalal and Noha.
He was playing on the ground with them and it was weird for me to see them like this, because Saad could be the father of my children if all those didn’t happen.
It was actually cute. He always loved little kids and I always told him he would be a great father.
When I entered the room, Saad looked up and said “Hey, finally you woke up” he smiled “Dalal looks exactly like you. It’s like she’s the copy of you. Even the way how she speaks and acts is like yours” he laughed and gave her a kiss on the forehead. “Guess what, she’s my daughter” I said and rolled my eyes.
Saad laughed and said „She does the same with her eyes”.
I remember when I sat with Saad in the library, because he helped me with math. Believe me, I still hate math more than anything else in this world.
“You have to divide 56,75 with 1,65” he said and pointed with the pencil at the equation. “Hmm okay,… and the result is 34,39, right?”
He smiled and said “Yeah, you see it isn’t that hard. You just have to think”. I rolled my eyes and said “Yeah, I just have to think, but you can even solve it without thinking. I hate you for this”. Saad was a nerd at high school. He always got straight A’s but in PE he always got a C. It’s not that he wasn’t athletic or something, he was just too lazy.
“Don’t be jealous Kekem” he said and grinned. I rolled my eyes and packed my books into my bag. “Kekem, please stop doing this with your eyes. It fuckin sexy”.
I was shocked for a moment, because he never used words like this. Finally, I said “Ehhh… Okay?!”.
His face turned red, because he realized he said something which he shouldn’t have said “Let’s go eat something. I’m hungry”.