The Promise 4

promise

I’m having pain and I don’t know when it will stop. It’s like… no, it’s impossible to describe the pain. You have to feel it to understand it.
I should go now” Saad got up and gave me a kiss on my forehead “Do you have something to do on Friday?.
“No, you want to go on a date with me?” I asked.
Yeah, a date,” he smiled. We didn’t say anything for a few minutes. I hate those moments when you don’t know what to say and I never want to be the one who starts the conversation again, but after a while he said “Okay. I should go now”.
“Yeah, you said that 3 minutes ago, but you’re still here. Pick me up at 7 pm on Friday and now go” I pushed him to the front door and gave him a kiss on his cheek. Yes, a kiss. But I really don’t know why I kissed him. Saad just touched his cheek and smiled. He kissed me back and drove away.
Later that night I sat in the living room and watched Tv. Then I remembered something. Immediately I got up and went to my bedroom. I looked under my bed and took out a black box. All the diaries I wrote were in the box. I started to write diaries when Saad left me. That time I had no one to talk. I was feeling alone and hopeless. It was a really hard time for me, because I was depressed and I didn’t know what to do. I took a red diary and sat on my bed. I wanted to open it and read, but I was afraid. Afraid because I knew if I start to read it won’t stop until I read them all. And I knew I would feel depressed after I read it. I mean 10 years ago I started to write those diaries and how would I feel if I read what I wrote as a 16 year old teenage girl? But I wanted to read it and opened the first page. I had a really ugly handwriting for a girl and it was hard for me to read what I wrote. Some pages were blurred because I often cried while I wrote. And some pages were with blood drops. I opened a page and started to read: I don’t know why I feel like this again. What I mean is I feel like everyone on this planet hates me. I feel like I’m bothering everyone. I feel like I do not deserve any happiness. Let me be honest, I’m tired of my life. I’m tired of myself. I’m tired of my family and friends. I’m tired of every single person. I have suicide thoughts. I have them every single day. I want to cut my arms again. I really want it, but I don’t want people to see how weak I became. I used to be strong and fearless. But now? I wish I could go back to the days when I meet Saad. I swear you I never loved anyone like I love him. He used to be my best friend, the only person I trusted and now he’s gone. I do not know what to do. I’m tired of crying and cutting my arms. I’m tired of everything. I’m having pain. My chest is on fire. I want to cry. But I can’t. I just can’t cry. I do not know if I will sleep tonight because of the pain, but I know that this pain won’t go away. No matter what I do, it will always be with me. Saad left me, but the pain won’t.
The next morning I woke up early because of my kids. I love them. Yeah, I know every mom loves their children, but I think a mom should say this all the time. I’ve suffered a lot and my children gave me hope and strength. I married a man I never loved to save myself. Yes, I know it sounds horrible and heartless, but I had to do it. I had to do it to forget Saad and not for the money he had. My husband was a very successful business man. I was 21 and couldn’t afford to go to college. I met him at a restaurant where I worked as a waitress. Almost every day he came to eat and one day he gave me 100$ tip. I remember that I smiled to him and he said “Yes, smile. You look beautiful when you smile” My cheeks turned red and with a shy voice I said “Thank you Sir. I really need that money” I couldn’t even look him in the eye while
I said this. It was awkward for me. I didn’t want him to think that I was broke even though I was. “Do you go to college?” he asked me. I didn’t say anything for a minute, but then I said “No, I don’t go to college”.
“Hmm, a pretty girl like you should go to college. I mean you look really smart”.
My face turned red. It was always awkward for me when someone made a compliment to me. “I need money to study. That’s why I’m working”.
He looked at me with a smile “Oh. I already solved that problem for you”. And he did. The reason why he came to eat dinner at the restaurant where I used to work was that he fell in love with me. He talked to my boss and he told him about my situation. Since that day a lot of things have changed in my life. In a good and also in a bad way. But that’s life.
For my date with Saad I decided to wear a simple black dress with black high heels. I don’t really like to get styled for a date or anything.
Saad knocked on my door exactly at 7pm. I opened the door and he was standing there in a Black suit. I never have seen him in a suit before, but it was sexy.
“You look beautiful Kekem”.
“Thank you… you look really good” my cheeks turned red.
Sad smiled “Ahhh, I love it when your cheeks turn red. You look so cute“
We went to his car and he opened the door for me. On our way to the restaurant we didn’t talk. It was always a weird feeling being with Saad. My heart was beating hard like it always did when I was with him. Everything about him made my heart beat faster. While he was driving I was looking at him. I was looking at what I almost had. I was looking at the love of my life. I was looking at my best friend, my soul mate. But what happened to us? Why did it happen? Why did we drift apart? I blamed Saad all the time, but maybe it was also my fault. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough to get him back.
“We’re almost there, Kekem” said Saad without looking at me.
“Can you turn back?” I asked.
He stopped the car and looked me in the eyes and said “Okay”. He knew what was going on in my mind and didn’t ask anything.
He drove into the driveway and I got out of the car. Saad followed me to the front door and said “I’m sorry, Kekem”.
“No, Saad you didn’t do anything. I just had too much things in my mind. And you know when this happens, I have to be alone. I’m sorry” I gave him a kiss on his cheeks and was about to go in but he held my hand. Out of sudden he kissed me and said “Well, we’re not teenagers anymore. So why always kissing on the cheeks. I really missed kissing your lips”. I smiled “You’re still the same idiot”.

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